Nevertheless He looked upon their distress when he heard their cry; and He remembered His covenant for their sake, and relented according to the greatness of His lovingkindness. He also made them objects of compassion in the presence of all their captors. Psalm 106:44-46 NASB
Sometimes it’s hard to dwell in the positive and not the negative. I remember early on that my counselor reminded me that I had to stop dwelling on what I was and start focusing on what I was becoming. My problem was that I had been in denial and believed the lies of Satan for so long that I needed to take time and focus on the negative instead of just ignoring it. I had to recognize and realize that what I did
was sin and that without Jesus’ death on the cross I would be bound for desolation. But, as my counselor pointed out, I couldn’t stay there. I had to begin looking ahead at who Jesus was making me. In looking backward at my sin, I also had to recognize that God had been there all the time; He was regularly trying to woo me back to Him, I had just tuned Him out.
My addiction, as well as all of the other sins that accompanied it, had become a part of my life; just like another member of the family. It was like one of those family members that that we often cover or make excuses for, never confronting their negative behaviors. That was the way I treated my sin. When I was headlong in my addiction, the guilt I had felt early-on just disappeared. It was replaced by a cold, callous, dying and numb heart. Why ask God AGAIN for forgiveness? He never came through before? Why try to fight when I will fail anyway? It was easier to go along with sin than eradicate it. I didn’t understand how to deal with everything, so I simply avoided feeling in general.
About a month before my friend confronted me, I went to a site I didn’t need to be on, and for the first time in months I felt guilty. Months of numbness and now I was feeling guilt? I was instantly convicted of my sin. I wish that I could say that I stopped at that moment, but I was another month in bondage before I was finally caught. What that event showed me though, now in hindsight, was that God hadn’t given up on me. I had given up on me. He still used the Holy Spirit to convict me, even though for months I’d turned my hard heart against God. A month later I began to realize that while I felt all alone and without hope, God was always there. He had been drawing me all along!
When God draws us out of sin and towards His heart, He is the one pulling the strings. I’m so thankful God didn’t leave me where I was and I’m even more thankful that he hasn’t left you where you were either. He’s drawing you to His heart. Each good decision, each time He convicts your heart, each step toward God is a step away from captivity. I’m so thankful God does the pulling and doesn’t leave it up to us!
Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for always reaching even when I pull away. Just as I am, with all my mess, you chase after me. You are persistent, patient, and loving. I am so grateful.