“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”
1 Peter 5:10 NIV
I bought a new computer today. No, I’m not using it to type this. It’s still in the box. Weird, right? I can’t bring myself to open it. I have had my current computer since 2007. As a matter of fact, this computer played a huge role in me falling back into my addiction to pornography. For so many months I didn’t want to touch my computer because I knew all of the guilt and shame that was associated with it. I have gone from abusing this computer to utilizing it as an awesome resource to glorify God. I have it loaded down with accountability software and filters. I know that there are very few websites that I can access on this computer that would lead me into temptation.
Maybe that’s what it is. Maybe I’m afraid of this new computer. It will take time to install all of the filters and software to keep me accountable. What if in this short period of time I am tempted beyond control? What if I give in and what if that’s all it takes to open the door for me to dive back into the life I’ve fought so hard to get away from? I mean, mentally it’s been tough lately. I close my eyes at night and it’s there. I haven’t been tempted this much in a long time and it’s getting harder and harder to keep my mind from entertaining these thoughts.
I just feel incredibly weak and vulnerable. I feel like I could fall flat on my face at any moment and wallow in sin, just like a pig in the mud. My flesh is so sinful and wants to quit trying, but then my spirit jumps in and reminds me of freedom, grace, and how important the fight has been and continues to be. At times I feel a little confused; back and forth, moment by moment. Satan throws lies at me-that I shouldn’t feel this way after being free from addiction for so long now. He whispers that I’m weak, that I should just give in, that something’s wrong with me because I still struggle.
News flash Satan-IT’S OKAY TO BE WEAK! Paul said in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Until I reach heaven, I will be tempted by sin. Until I rest in the arms of my Jesus forever in glory I will be susceptible to the evils of this world. I am human. I am weak. But I am not alone! I have Jesus who so lovingly and graciously died for me. He died so that I could be set free. I don’t have to be a slave to sin anymore. I don’t have to identify myself with the guilt and shame. I get to identify myself as a child of the King. Free. Clean. Pure. Holy. And loved. Just as I am.
Thank you, Jesus. Thank You for my weaknesses that make me lean on You. Thank You for the times when it gets too much because it’s then and only then that I truly realize how inept and in over my head I am in this life. Thank You for being my strength. Thank You for loving me in my weakness. And thank You for using these weaknesses to help reach others who struggle. I’m so undeserving of this gracious love and kindness.